Just me... always in doubt

June 22nd

awful days behind. hopefully some good ones are ahead. 

June 14th

today is definitely not my day. yesterday my boyfriend and i decide we are going for a coffee since we haven’t saw each other for a long time because of my school and the fact i have to study a lot. well we went. and it started great. we were happy to see each other and everything. but then it started. it wasn’t a fight but more of a conversation. it was about him smoking weed and me not liking it. i am going to be 20 this month and i don’t have time for this stupid things. i know he likes it and everything but every time i saw him stoned he was acting like he is retarded or something and i hate seeing him like this. so we talked about that and about me not having the time to do stupid things. well i am growing up and i am at college and i think this is the time i start acting a bit serious and not acting like everything is a joke. time flew by and he had to go back to school. i was so sad the time went like that so i asked him if he has some time after school so we can seat somewhere and let it be just us without the world surrounding us. we used to be so happy just us. not a part of the world. just us. we met and he had this sad expression in his eyes. we were just sitting and hugging and for a long time we didn’t even say a word. it was just the two of us but it wasn’t like it used to be. it was us having an abyss between us. even though he was right beside me he wasn’t. it was weird. and it made me cry on the inside. then we talked and he asked me why do i have such a problem with him smoking weed and stuff like that. well it ended with us not saying a word. just sitting there. hugging. i felt that that abyss between us just grew deeper and i was crying and he was sad. i love him. i really do. when he is with me he is everything i ever wanted. but when he is with me he is a totally different person than what he is when he is with friends. i am so afraid this is going to be an end of us. he was my world for over a year. he still is. i still want him to be my world. for ever (yeah i know i am a hopeless romantic but still). at the beginning i never thought he is going to mean so much to me. never. i don’t even think i was in love at the beginning. it was more of a affection i felt for him. but with time he crawled under my skin and into my heart. i don’t want to lose him. i really don’t. but it’s not on me to decide this. i hope he loves me enough to not just give up on me. 

Help!

does anybody have any advice on how to start running? i m totally out of shape so i can’t just go and run for ages. i think i can’t even run for 15 minutes straight :/ 

June 9th

yeah.. i don’t know what to do. i really don’t. i started to take birth control pills few days ago and somehow i gain weight. and it’s not like i’ve been eating more than usual. nope. and today i only ate two eggs and a peace of bread and i still weight the same - TO MUCH! this is not normal at all! and i drink only water and coffee without any sugar and i am still gaining weight. really not normal. this thing is so pissing me off right now. can i just die or something?

and because i have to study so much right now i haven’t seen my boyfriend for more than a week. i really miss him so much! i’ll see him tomorrow since we are going to get some coffee. but it’s just for a short while :/ 

and later on i’ll go with my best friend to see ballet - romeo and juliet^^ i am totally crazy about ballet. i tried ballet ages ago but unfortunately i have two left feet and no coordinations so dancing is really not for me. so i just watch it and enjoy :)

June 4th

i just spent two amazing days. my boyfriend came to my house and spent the night :) but now he is gone and i already miss him.

my big plan for tomorrow is to study really hard. we’ll see if i can do that. i really hope so. 

Shit

i just weighted myself. fuck! i gain weight and i don’t even know why. ughhhhh… i hate myself!

June 1st

i don’t even know where i have my head. really. there is so much i have to study and so little time. and i have to work really hard. i have to. but i don’t. not as much as i can. i am lazy. and this laziness can cost me my summer. i can’t let this happen. i have to study. now. ughhhhhhh -.-

May 29th

i don’t know what it is. but after i talked to my boyfriend this morning i feel sorta happy. i guess it’s the sun. weather kind of dictates my feelings. i don’t know why but darkness saddens me somehow.

oh and in the morning i weighted 53.0 kg. i was happy. i lost 0.5 kg. but than something triggered this enormous hunger and i just had to eat. i was feeling really weak. and i ate too much. blah.