Hello there…
so…
here i am. starting to write a diary or something. starting to learn how to put all my thoughts on paper. well not paper, but you get what i mean. i am somehow afraid. afraid of not being able to form my thought. something that happens to me a lot. but i think this will be easier than to tell somebody because sometimes i think about stuff that would hurt others feelings and this is not what i want. i just want to get rid of that thoughts without any casualties. other thing i hope i will learn while writing this blog is that once i put my thought out there i don’t need to think about that stuff over and over again, analyzing every single bit, thinking where did i go wrong, why that happened etc. i hate doing that, but sometimes i just cannot help it. i don’t know why, but i do it. over and over again. questioning myself about stupid things that eventually clog my thoughts and prevent me from being happy.
let me introduce myself - i am a girl whose birthday is just around the corner. i’ll be 20 so i am not a little kid anymore, though i still act like one sometimes. i am totally average. average height, average built. but i hate being average. i really do hate it. i struggle with it everyday. other things about me is i am totally in love. i have a boyfriend who gives my headaches sometimes. i will tell you all about that later. in collage things are not working like they should and this is new to me. i was always an A student but now i am a failure. i am studying law. my zodiac sign is cancer which explains a lot. i am moody and insecure. i do not have many friends, it is hard for me to trust people. i hate being around people i don’t know. mainly because i don’t know what to say to them, i am afraid they won’t like me etc. i feel like i am trapped and they are there to rip me apart. stupid feeling i know, but it is so hard to just let go. though if i find something about somebody that appeals to me (usually they are random things like voice, hair, clothes, sound of their smile or anything else) i can easily open and just be myself. but if i find something about them that i totally dislike it is almost impossible to be relaxed around them, especially first few times i meet them. what else? hmm… did i tell you i am insecure about myself? well yeah. i was once overweight. at 165 cm (about 5’5”) i weighted 60 kilos (132 lbs). i was called fat and ugly and all stuff similar to that. i hated it. so two summers ago i woke up with single thought in my head - i will not be fat anymore. and 3 weeks later i weighted 52 kilos (114 lbs). people started to compliment me and i was ecstatic about it. though my mom saw that from a different point of view and she started to force me to eat. i wasn’t anorexic or anything. i was just fasting. so slowly i started eating. and today i weight about the same. well enough about that. you will hear more of it in my other posts i am sure.
well i think this is the end of my first post. don’t judge me. please. just be here next to me and listen.
love,
A.
