May 28th
mom pissed me off so i went for a long walk and when i came back i automatically checked facebook. and i normally don’t check my boyfriend page but this time i did it. and totally regret doing it. i saw he will be going to some festival in june. and i just stopped breathing. my heart started hurting and my mind started to show me images of him being high and doing really stupid things. i know he does it for fun and everything but i hate it. i tried it once. because i was curious and he was all excited about me trying it. so i did. and there was nothing. i was disappointed and i hated myself for trying it.
i know loads of people are smoking it. i know that. and i know it’s not dangerous and everything. i just really dislike it. i guess it might do with the fact that i know a lot of people who are total failures and smoking it. people whose life’s meaning is to get high. people who don’t have anything better to do with themselves than to get high and drunk. people who never finished school because they were high all the time. i despise that kind of people. i know this is stupid because i also know people that are successful in things they are doing and are smoking pot, but unfortunately i am just so pessimistic i see bad in everything.
so i saw he is going to that festival and even though it’s called something simply random, right name for it would be ganjafest. really. the thought of my boyfriend being drunk and high just crawled into my mind and i don’t know. i feel like crying. he is what i despise when he is high. and it is so hard because one part of me is loving him so much and is not able to imagine life without him while other part is hating on him and wanting to let go. this thoughts are so hard to have. and usually when our conversations takes strange routes (meaning we started to talk about weed) i just start to be bitchy and give him hard time. and i know it is wrong not to let him have fun. i knew that he smokes the first time i met him. but i fell in love. with him. well with one side of him. the side of him that smokes and gets drunk so he doesn’t know what happening, that side i despise. how is this possible? to love and to hate at the same time? when we are together, when he is by my side i feel like the happiest girl in the whole world. but when we are apart these things start to crawl in my head and cause even more insecurities than i already have.
and there are his friend. he is hanging out a lot with his schoolmates. girls that are so skinny. that are special. that are smoking weed. that are all the things i am not. he spends more time with them than with me. mainly because they are going to school together. but still. every friday he goes out. with them. he doesn’t even ask me if i would go out with him (i just figured that out. but yeah.). they drink and they smoke and i am at home. jealous. i hate the feeling that he is having so much fun with other people that he doesn’t even think about me. i hate it. i really do. and i know that when i am out with my friends i don’t think about him as often as i do when i am at home. i am very possessive. i don’t like not being the center of his world while he is the center of mine. i am so clingy.
i hate me. i do. i hate what i am when i am not with him. before him i wasn’t any of that. but now that my world turns around him i became all of that.
i love him. with all my heart.
i am confused.
